discoveries through technology

Name
Instructor
Course
Date
Discovery through Technology
Introduction
The introduction of the essay establishes a discussion that informs the reader the general topic and what the paper tries to achieve. The hook is well placed and would involve the readers’ interest, and it makes it easier for the reader to understand the paper (Hogan 26). The introduction may be improved by making the hook the opening statement such as:
Has technology impacted the world in any manner, regarding new discoveries? The themes or the arguments that the introduction tries to put across are not well organized. The introduction must establish the pros and cons by mentioning them so that the reader can have a specific direction that the following cons and pros will be discussed in the body. All the arguments brought up in the introduction are also addressed in the body of the essay only that they are scattered and not well organized that can give the reader easy time to identify and understand the explanations and evidence given (Moran 28).
The Thesis
The thesis statement is not clear and does not capture what the paper is arguing about. This is how it should be: I will argue that so many benefits are brought by technology. Among them include innovations in hospital labs, cell phone invention, easy transportation, and efficient learning. However, occasionally there is a disadvantage to it like abuse of cell phones and computers, and sleepless nights using the scientific devices.
A thesis statement is a sentence or two that affirm the writer’s position regarding the specific issue to be discussed, the position that will direct the argument of the paper.

It should appear in the introduction paragraph of the paper (Hogan 26). The writer can make it the first sentence; though that is frequently a slightly basic and uninteresting method to start the paper. More regularly, then, it should be at or toward the end of the introduction paragraph. It should also narrow focus of the paper, be specific, be an interesting claim, one that reasonable people may disagree with, and provide a clue as to what the main line of argument will be.
The Body Paragraphs
The body paragraphs do not have a recognizable main idea that introduces the point of the paragraph. The body paragraph should include an explanation of the opinions, ideas, and arguments to be deliberated, the arguments supporting the thesis and a reflection of counterarguments together with your response to them. Each paragraph must present a single idea and clarify to the reader closer to the thesis and the intensity of your arguments (Moran 28). Since each body paragraph will be defending the thesis statement, one must organize the body paragraphs in a way that they support the thesis while offering clear arguments to the reader.
The body paragraphs discuss many ideas in the same paragraph, which should not be the case. This would confuse the readers, and they would think that all the ideas in that paragraph are related (Hogan 28). The body paragraphs talk about many issues at once, and you need to break the points down into paragraphs so that each has its own idea and explanations.
Each paragraph has a connection to the thesis with clear explanations supporting the main ideas. However, the arguments are not developed in specific paragraphs. There is a connection with the transition. The writer has used conjunctions that create a flow of the main ideas as explanations are given in each case. But the ideas and the explanation are scattered, making the transition disorganized. There are no parts where the ideas seem like they are listed since the writer has given the idea and explanations to every idea stated.
There is adequate evidence for every idea as stated in the introduction. The evidence is also explained well since the writer has given explanations and examples for the reader to understand the claims (Hogan 39). The quotes are also appropriately contextualized as the author and page number is provided after the quotations. Some of the in-text citations are not correct according to MLA citation. The writer has not provided the page numbers.
Most of the ideas are fully developed, but some are briefly explained. Hence, they are involved in one paragraph, which should not be the case. The ideas need to be separated by individual paragraphs. The writer has not given examples to some stated ideas for the reader to understand explanations better (Moran 29). The examples need more explanations since this is where the reader will relate the evidence to his/her own experience.
The Conclusion
The conclusion answers the “so what?” question? Although, the simple aim of the conclusion is to reaffirm the thesis statement and sum up the argument in the body, but the writer should not just copy the introduction. The conclusion should make a concluding attempt to persuade the reader that you have both proven your thesis statement and provided a convincing argument in its defense.
Reflections and overall concluding statements:
The greatest strength of the draft is the part when the writer has explained the medical advances brought about by technology. The idea is well developed, and there is enough explanation for it (Hogan 40). I liked how the writer has explained most of the ideas using valid examples to make further the reader understand the claim. The most effective thing is that people have abused the use of cell phones and computers, and they have sleepless nights using the scientific devices. This is also the most noticeable weakness of the draft. Some aspect of the draft were not as strong because the writer has not provided enough evidence and further explanation to make the reader relate the idea to the current situation.
The draft is easy to read and the language used is simple and precise. The reader can easily understand the main ideas easily. However, the confusing part is that the writer has not organized the ideas into their own paragraphs. Otherwise, the read was interesting and educative. I was engaged and interested in understanding most of the claims and their explanations. I also got engaged by relating the explanations to my own experience. However, the organization and paragraph development was not perfect.
 
Work Cited
Hogan, Gina B. Building Better Essays. Boston, MA: Cengage Learning, 2013. Print.
Moran, Margaret C. Peterson’s Master Writing for the Sat. Lawrenceville, NJ: Peterson’s, 2008. Print.