Marriage and divorce

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BOOK REVIEW: RELATIONSHIP RESCUE BY DR. Philip McGraw
Dr. Philip McGraw is also known simply as, Dr. Phil is a world renowned psychologist, author, and American television personality. And his credentials in various fields and particularly in clinical and experimental psychology sets him apart from the rest of the pack and has catapulted him into the limelight with appearances on the Oprah Winfrey show, and being listed as fifteenth highest paid celebrity in the world by Forbes magazine (Sophia, N.p).
In this self-help book, Dr. Phil lists down seven simple steps toward regaining that spark in your relationship and he often makes witty references to his marriage as a template from which his readers can gain useful insight. The ultimate success or failure of relationship begins and ends at the individual level, it all starts with you. And when seeking the path to healing, the worst thing you can do is be in denial about the source of the vicious cycle of frustration and venom that has consistently plagued your relationship.
From the outset of our lives we are never trained on how to be in charge of our relationships, but by experience, we learn the various avenues towards having much healthier and more fulfilling relationships, and that is why altercations are bound to happen. That is the point where this book comes in. It is a guide that will help you to take that journey to a higher level after you experience a falling out.

But first things first; before embarking on the seven steps, there are a few things that Dr. Phil recommends for evaluation before trying to heal the wounds. One of them is; stopping the blame game and taking up responsibility for the health of your relationship. Most couples tend to think that the strife usually comes from their partner and they play the victim in their minds. This self-righteous attitude is one of the most acidic factors that contribute to the worsening of simple misunderstandings and turning them completely into a nasty battle of personal attacks. Therefore before even thinking about the journey to healing, one needs to be ready to accept that the trouble could be originating from their camp and not from the other side. Secondly, understanding that you are going to have to give up some of your habits will be helpful in the healing process. Being in a relationship essentially means that sacrifices are to be made since the unit is made up of two individuals from diversely different backgrounds, with different temperaments and preferences and hence sacrifice will be fundamental at some point in the interest of mutual fulfillment. That means that you will have to be more understanding in your attitude and slower to judge the motives behind certain character traits in your partner.
Once you have these concepts firmly established on the solidity of your resolve, then you can proceed to understand and to employ the seven steps of rescuing your relationship. To identify the cancerous issues eating into your relationship, you need to have one paramount ingredient; Objectivity. This objective approach will ensure that you carefully analyze the problem, identify its cause, pinpoint the key contaminants that have enabled the problem to thrive and fester for this long (Phil, N.p).
Incorrectly diagnosing the problem will eventually lead to an incorrect method of dealing with it; this will not only frustrate your efforts but also will give rise to the spawning of even more problems, so the diagnosis has to be very accurate.
To kick start the diagnosis a few disclaimers need to be pitched. The primary source of challenges in any relationship always revolves around trust, and once there is no trust, then it provides an ample environment to the evolution and development of even more complex problems. A look at a few case studies will serve to depict the process through which one must pass through to be able to capture the full scope of the problems that need handling. The first step is to observe for various indicators that signal the existence of issues in your relationship, and these signs vary in degree depending on the extent to which the problems in the relationship have been left to fester. The indicators range from; inadequate physical affection in the relationship, poor communication or both due to daily commitment such as work. In other cases being cold and distant with your partner due to animosity over matters that happened years ago at an earlier stage to having to acknowledge that your relationship is killing your self-esteem and sense of self-worth. These issues can be so deep-seated to the point where the couple practically lives in a state of emotional divorce from each other. To face up to such sheer odds demands a high level of integrity on your part, and a firm resolve to dismantle the pertinent issues and begin the journey to healing.

There are some myths and preconceived ideas that over the years have twisted and skewed the general view and expectations of a good relationship. These myths, if adopted into the mindset, backfire and lead to unnecessary animosity between partners. A brief look at these myths will also help in your journey towards a happy relationship (“The Self Matters Companion,” N.p). The first myth that is usually firmly adopted by couples is that to have an excellent institution needs them to having excellent problem-solving skills, this is a self-deluded fallacy considering the following facts; The two of you are from different backgrounds, are, physiologically and psychologically different. These differences mean that at some point your interests will clash. Most of these conflicts cannot be fully resolved with both of you being satisfied by the result; therefore it’s always prudent to reach a compromise. Don’t waste time and energy trying to shout each other down to submission, but rather agree to disagree on certain issues, which even if you were given years, you wouldn’t come to an amicable conclusion. And none of you needs any problem-solving skills to achieve the goal of a great relationship; all it needs is the wisdom to know when to stop and when to push harder (Marc, N.p).
Another rampantly common myth is that when one is in a relationship, they have a great romance. This concept isn’t real either. Being in a relationship isn’t the same as meeting that dreams partner for the first time every day and falling in love. The former requires more commitment, and a realistic, intelligent approach to its execution while the latter does not. Don’t expect the romance to be unique or poetic in its mind-blowing complexity. It is also important to understand that blissful peace in a relationship isn’t a realistic picture of what happens. Arguments will be there, in what abundance will depend on some factors. But regardless of how much you argue or over what you argue, the most important thing is to get emotional closure both for you and your partner. When discussing, you need to have a set of ground rules to ensure that in the end, your relationship is still as strong as before the argument (McGraw, N.p). Personal attacks during a debate are harmful to both you and your partner, and this needs to be avoided since it undermines one’s sense of self-worth and their esteem. And this defeats the whole purpose of the argument. A great relationship isn’t about molding your partner into the mental template you have a perfect partner. This notion is a deluded perfectionist sense of self-righteousness that only serves to drain the very lifeblood of a relationship. It is at this point when the blame game and finger pointing starts; when you believe in the fairy tale that falling in love is meeting that person that will cater for every whim and all your desires at the snap of a finger. Be the change that you want to see in your relationship. You are the determinant of your relationship success (McGraw, N.p). The only way you will be able to reconnect with your partner is if you are open and understanding, this can only be done if you understand the gravity of your input in the relationship.
Another way of effectively destroying a good relationship is having a “bad spirited” approach to it. In every individual resides that destructive, selfish, controlling and irrational side to our emotional approach to situations and people. And if not handled well, we may end up behaving very poorly and constantly excusing our bad behavior and explaining it away using an array of defensive tactics. These attitudes can immensely affect any relationship. It’s critical that you deal with your bad spirit head on, understand the way it is seen in your behavior toward your couple and when you realize that you are slipping into that toxic mindset then quickly maneuver out of it before the problem gets worse.
Some of these “bad spirit” can even be observed in the outward behavior and character and therefore can easily be dealt with since diagnosis is practically halfway towards obtaining a cure. A common indicator that you harbor a poor attitude towards your relationship is keeping scores. This position tends to be destructive since it permanently keeps your partner on the defensive whenever you come into contact (Sophia, N.p). A common way of falling into this kind of mindset begins with the very positive idea of constructive criticism. But the critique eventually degenerates into an obsession and then converts your partner into a constant culprit. Another problematic attitude is being an attack dog whenever you have an argumentative conversation. You launch into a protracted personal attack on your partner instead of focusing on the issue being handled at the moment; this breeds a constant supply of bad blood between the two of you. That delicate balance of hostility causes divisive fences to come up. Last but not least of these poor temperaments that eat the life out of your relationship is being a perpetual warmonger. Being passively aggressive also destroys the way you value the relationship since mostly you harbor a detrimental view of your partner silently. Instead of openly disagreeing with something, you quietly whine about it and make some underhanded counter attacks to sabotage your partner’s intentions which could have been innocently executed with the best interests of the relationship in mind. (McGraw, N.p).
Once you have located and handled the problems, resolve the emotional and mental debris and begin rebuilding the foundations for the new relationship. Some important pillars are needed to attain a healthier relationship; among them is communication (Michael, 245). Learn to communicate with your partner as a friend and as a comrade, let them understand your needs and your expectations. And be ready also to listen to your partner and accommodate their needs and expectations in the relationship. Another pillar is acceptance. Learn to accept your partner just as they are. Understand that at the end, the success of the relationship means working hand in hand together, and without acceptance then there can never be a connection to be spoken about.
After applying those steps, the final and most important installment is reconnecting with your partner. Honesty, openness and a straightforward approach to the relationship will prove most expedient. Be truthful with them and be ready to listen, share with them your journey. Explaining each step to them so that they can understand and relate to the various avenues you have taken towards healing your relationship.
Dr. Phil’s book isn’t just any ordinary self-help book. It goes deep beneath the real issues and provides an in-depth analysis and an accurate solution to today’s relationship problem (Phil, N.p). You have to read the book to understand what he points out actually, and it sure is going to be an incredible experience.
Works cited
Marc, Peyser. Newsweek.com. 9 February 2002. 21 November 2016
<http://europe.newsweek.com/paging-doctor- phil-144717?rm=eu>.
McGraw, Phillip C. Life Strategies. 1st ed., New York, Hyperion Books, 1999
McGraw, Phillip C. Self Matters. 1st ed., New York, Simon & Schuster Source, 2001.
McGraw, Phillip C. Love Smart. 1st ed., New York, Free Press, 2005,.
McGraw, Phillip C. Life Code. 1st ed., Los Angeles, Calif., Bird St. Books, 2012,.
The Self Matters Companion: Helping You Create Your Life from the Inside Out. New York: Freepress, 2003.
McGraw, Phillip. Ayton . 2000. 21 November 2016 <http://www.ayton.id.au/gary/psych/Psy_Rel_Rescue_McGraw1.htm>.
Michael, Stawicki. Trickle Down Mindset: The Missing Element In Your Personal Success . January 19, 2015.
Phil, McGraw. Relationship Rescue: A Seven-Step Strategy for Reconnecting with Your Partner. Simon & Schuster Audio, 15,February 2007.
Sophia, Dembling. The Making of Dr. Phil: The Straight-Talking True Story of Everyone’s Favorite Therapist. Wiley Publishers , 2005.